SEX ADDICTION THERAPY, ADDICTION COUNSELING
WHAT IS SEX ADDICTION?
Sex addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior that has a negative effect and cause disruption in one's life or the lives of others. Like with alcohol or drugs, sex addiction fits the classic, four-component model of what comprises and addiction:
- Compulsivity - the loss of control over a behavior.
- An addict continues in the behavior or relationship despite repeated attempts to stop.
- Continuation despite negative consequences;
- Preoccupation or obsession;
- Tolerance - more of the same behavior, or an escalation of progressive behaviors, is required to get the same "high".
These compulsive behaviors may include: compulsive masturbation, pornography, Internet sex (cyber sex), and prostitution, anonymous sex, visiting adult bookstores, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molestation, incest, rape and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.
Sex addiction is a compulsive, uncontrollable need. It is not a moral failing, a failing of willpower, an abnormally high sex drive, an alternative lifestyle, or fun. It is a cycle of denial, shame, risky behavior (on many levels), and pain, usually resulting from sexual abuse or neglect in childhood.
Sex addiction can occur in both males and females and is similar to an alcohol or drug addiction in that it controls the addict rather than the other way around.
CAN A SEX ADDICT RECOVER?
There is hope for the sexual addict. Treatment and new therapies are available that can rebuild the thought processes of the sex addict and redirect their lives toward a loving, fulfilling, and intimate relationship. Recovery will work with sex addiction counseling and therapy.
HOW DOES THE SPOUSE OR PARTNER OF A SEX ADDICT HEAL?
The spouse or partner of a sex addict is called a co-sex addict (COSA). The COSA will most likely have their own relationship issues, which are what attracted them to the addict in the first place. Many are needy and vulnerable.
Usually, they are suffering from love addiction and/or avoidance, depression, and co-dependence. The COSA needs to be healed of his/her own issues whether or not the sex addict partner will seek treatment for their problems.
One thing that all persons involved with a sex addict must know is that the sex addicts' behavior is not their fault.
Addiction is a progressive disease that began in childhood. Left untreated, it will always escalate. There is hope for the spouse/partner/family of a sex addict as well as for the addicts themselves. Sex Addiction Therapy and Addiction Counseling is the best treatment available.
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE CHILDREN OF A SEX ADDICT?
Children of adult sex addicts have poor role models. They suffer from their own form of neglect. As the parent(s) of these children seek help, they will be able to offer correct information to their children, as well as to model a healthy relationship. Children of sex addicts should become part of the treatment process so they know that what they have witnessed is not "normal".
WHAT IS ACTING OUT?
Acting out is the term given to the behavior of the sex addict to meet his/her addiction needs regardless of knowing whether it is right or wrong and regardless of promises made not to do it again. The addict uses these behaviors as a coping mechanism for dealing with life. Eventually, their denial of what they are doing may become so strong that they actually believe whatever lies they are telling themselves about their actions. They cannot fathom that anyone else can see through these lies or that their behavior is outside of their own values.
WHAT IS INTERNET OR CYBERSEX?
The Internet has made it very easy to obtain pornography and act out with other sex addicts. It is easy, at first, to hide this side of addiction. Eventually, there is no way to explain the time spent on the computer pursuing the needed "fix", or the money spent to enter more explicit sites, or the injuries that occur from masturbation ... sometimes many times a day.IS LOVE ADDICTION THE SAME AS SEX ADDICTION?
Real love is not an addictive behavior. The relationship between the love addict and the sex addict will often go hand-in-hand. Both are expressing needs that were not met in early childhood. While the sex addict has no tools to sustain a relationship or to be intimate, the love addict is obsessive about keeping the relationship alive at all costs.
The love addict feels insecurity and low self-esteem, which is the basis for the attachment to a relationship. Love addiction is not love, it is not romance, and it is not healthy. It is a reliance on someone, other than self, to meet psychological needs. The love addict needs someone else to calm their fears. Love addicts often will confuse intensity with intimacy. They do not trust, and they have an intense need for control, especially in a relationship.
WHAT IS A LOVE AVOIDANT?
The love avoidant will have at least three characteristics that combine to result in avoiding intimacy:
- The love avoidant evades intensity within a relationship by creating intensity in activities (usually addictions) outside the relationship.
- The love avoidant avoids being "known" in the relationship in order to protect themselves from engulfment and control by the other person.
- The love avoidant avoids intimate contact with their partners, using a variety of processes called "distancing techniques".
A love avoidant fears intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it. The love avoidant also fears abandonment.
A love avoidant has the same two fears that a love addict has; intimacy and abandonment. The difference is that love addicts have a strong fear of abandonment and an unconscious fear of intimacy, which causes them unconsciously to pick someone who can't be intimate. A love avoidant has a strong fear of intimacy because relationship intimacy feels very draining and overwhelming. They avoid intimacy by focusing outside of the relationship in an addictive way.
WHAT IS RECOVERING COUPLES COUNSELING?
Couples in recovery from sexual addiction have many issues to deal with. The addict may feel shame or feel passivity, where as the betrayed partner may be feeling pain, anger, and distrust. Couples may have problems that have built up over the course of years and the pain and resentment is causing an avoidance of intimacy. There is hope for couples facing recovery from sexual addiction. The relationship can be healed, restored, and re-built to an even better level than before. Each partner in the relationship must take responsibility and make the commitment to work on issues both separately and together. Couples can learn to better understand their problems and begin the repair process.
Education and working through healthy intimacy and healthy sexuality can lead couples to create a new life that can be both fulfilling and enjoyable.
WHAT IS HEALTHY SEXUALITY?
Healthy sexuality involves feeling positively about our sexuality. Healthy sexuality is positive and enriches our lives. It allows us to enjoy and control our sexual and reproductive behavior without guilt, fear, shame, or disease. Sexual expression is a form of communication through which we give and receive pleasure and emotion. It has a wide range of possibilities - from sharing activities, feelings, thoughts, warm touches or hugs, to physical intimacy. It is expressed both individually and in relationships throughout life.
WHAT IS INTIMACY?
In a relationship, healthy intimacy is the process of revealing yourself to the other person involved. Normally, we want to know and share ourselves with each other, yet in unhealthy relationships, we spend most of our time and energy keeping our true selves from each other. We want intimacy but choose to keep secrets. Intimacy means opening up to the other person.
HOW DO YOU HEAL FROM INFIDELITY IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences in a relationship, whether your partner has come clean, or you have, somehow, found out. It can shatter even the strongest relationship. Feelings of betrayal, guilt, and anger can be overwhelming. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, one-quarter of married couples have suffered from infidelity.
How do you let go of the past? How do you justify or understand why your partner felt the need to cheat on you? Can you ever trust again? Knowing where to start is often the most difficult thing. With the support of family, friends, a good therapist, and each other, it is possible for a couple to put the cloud of infidelity behind them, and in some cases, emerge as a stronger unit.
For others, an affair is too heavy a burden for a relationship to bear, and parting ways may be the only answer. Before a fighting couple heads for the door, however, there are steps that can be taken that might help the relationship to get on the path to healing.
WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCE?
Co-dependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their partner, children, friends, and/or co-workers. Co-dependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, and routinely offer others direction or suggestions regarding how to live their lives or on tasks to complete. They feel compassion for people who may be hurting and feel they should be the one to help them. Co-dependent people give of their time, emotions, finances, and other resources. They have a very difficult time saying "No" to any request made of them.
A co-dependent person allows others to affect them. The co-dependent person may make decisions based on what other people think or want them to do. They may think that they are helping other people out of compassion, when in reality they are doing it because they want to be loved or get approval. A co-dependent person feels hurt or angry when they don't get the same amount of help, love, or appreciation that they have given to others when they were in need. A co-dependent person may have difficulty understanding that they are actually hurting themselves by creating a dependent relationship, instead of providing, for them, the things they need.HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM A CO-DEPENDENT?
- Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?
- Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?
- Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?
- Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?
- Do you feel anxious, angry, or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or in the way that you want them to do them?
- Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all of the giving and the other person does all of the taking? Do you find yourself taking on more and more responsibilities and people while you are neglecting yourself or your family?
WHAT ARE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
In relationship, the line between partners is easily identifiable. They are independent beings, yet they are close enough to be connected and to have an impact on each other's life. In healthy relationships, boundaries are flexible and promote intimacy and create safety.
Understand that developing healthier boundaries (as with any change in life) is a process, not an event. It will take time and practice. There are no quick fixes. However, healthy boundaries will lead to improved self-esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships. Learning to set healthy boundaries can feel very uncomfortable and scary, which is why it is best to work through this issue with a therapist.CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
- You can say no or yes, and you are okay when others say no to you.
- You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
- You expect reciprocity in a relationship - you share responsibility and power.
- You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
- You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
- You know your own wants, needs, and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
- You are committed to, and responsible for, exploring and nurturing your full potential.
- You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
- You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
- You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
- You are able to ask for help when you need it.
- You don't compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.
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WHAT IS FAMILY OF ORIGIN?
How you became who you are today has a lot to do with how you grew up. Family of Origin is the term used for working through all the abuse, neglect, unhealthy boundaries, dysfunctional relationships, and any other issues that were taught by your family while growing up.
As an example, if you grew up in a family watching father abuse mother, you may have learned to think that this is normal behavior ... that is it something men do and women tolerate. This thought becomes part of your value and belief system. You may learn to think that it was okay that father was not responsible for his behavior, and didn't have to pay any consequences - and that if father was unhappy, it was mother's fault because she accepted the blame. You didn't learn healthy boundaries. Later, because of those beliefs, you may end up being the victim and/or abuser in your own relationship. Without addressing and resolving unhealthy issues that you have learned from your family, this problem will continue, and be repeated generation after generation.
Therapy can help process "faulty thinking" and help to re-learn the healthy way allowing you to grow and move forward with courage, hope, and new possibilities.